Your Business is Why You’re Not Having Sex Anymore
As an entrepreneur in a committed partnership, you may notice that you’re not having sex anymore in your relationship. While this is something that most people don’t talk about, it, unfortunately, is more common than you might think. That will either make you feel better- that your relationship isn’t that unusual; or it will make you feel frustrated and wondering if this is just how things are going to be. But is not having sex anymore just a fact, or can you do something about it?
The research shows that when a relationship is troubled, both partners ascribe up to 70% of their problems as being related to the amount of sex they’re (not) having.
Yet, when you delve deeper, it turns out that the lack of sex is not the core problem- it’s a symptom of other problems within the relationship. Yet “we’re not having sex anymore” is a major complaint of many entrepreneurs who are in committed relationships.
And a big source of these problems is your business.
How Your Business is the Reason You’re Not Having Sex Anymore
When we look at how your business is impacting your sex life, we find 9 ways:
The first way is stress. Building a business is stressful. You work long hours. You manage people. You put out fires. You come home after a long day of this, and you might want to have sex as a way to relax. However, you might find that you’re tired and preoccupied and even if you get to the point of having sex, it seems like more trouble than it’s worth. And that’s assuming your partner is available and willing.
The second way is money. When you’re worried about making payroll, or you’ve just lost your biggest client, the worry and unknown of this zaps your sexual interest. You may be in the same room as your partner, but in your mind, you’re rapidly running through the options and alternatives to recover from this situation. If money is a chronic problem in your relationship, this can also impact your sexual connection. Couples fight most often about money and sex.
The third way is schedule. If you are traveling a lot for work, or you have different sleep/wake cycles than your partner, it can be extremely difficult to find a good time to have sex. If your communication is suffering outside the bedroom, that, too, can influence why you’re not having sex anymore.
The fourth way is communication. If you’re too busy to talk with your partner regularly and find out what s/he is thinking, wishing, and feeling, your sex life will decline. This type of “love-mapping” is crucial for creating and maintaining closeness in your relationship. Being aware of your partner’s feeling states and moods is a component of good attunement.
The fifth way is courtesy. Are you nice to your partner on a regular basis? A recent Wall Street Journal article identified that the quickest way to have really good sex in your relationship is by making an extra effort to be very, very nice to each other. The psychology research shows that a relationship filled with expressed appreciation makes both partners happier and results in more sex.
The sixth way is a lack of non-sexual touch. Are you affectionate with your partner? Do you make the effort to hold hands, hug each other, kiss, even when it doesn’t lead to sex? This type of touch is vital to your well-being, and paves the way for other kinds of physical closeness. (If you’re looking for three specific exercises to help you with this, check out my special report: Three Ways to Be Closer To Your Partner in the Next 10 Minutes.)
The seventh way is through poor boundaries between work and home. Do you take work calls at dinner? Do you use the evenings to catch up on email? Do you have trouble setting hours where you’re “off” work? Poor boundaries blur the line between work and home. Your personal life needs an investment of time and focus, just as your business does. Don’t be like the entrepreneur who replied to a text message while he was having sex.
The eighth way is spending a lot of time away from your partner. If you are going to conferences, participating in masterminds, or using vacation to manage your stress; you may be doing all these activities while your partner stays home. This is especially likely if your partner has a regular job and doesn’t have the same freedom you do to take off or work from anywhere. You need to set aside time for you and your partner to spend together, proportional to the time you’re spending apart. Networking for business is important, but a strong personal relationship has many more benefits in terms of your health, wealth, and overall life satisfaction.
The ninth way is making your business more important than your partner. Let’s say that you’re in the middle of an important business meeting, and your partner calls. Do you a) ignore his/her call? b) stop what you’re doing and answer the call, even if just to make sure they are OK and say you’ll call them back? In the happiest and most passionate relationships, the right answer is b. You must consistently communicate to your partner that s/he is the most important thing in your life if you want sex to be a regular part of your relationship.
So now that you know how your business is impacting your sex life, the real question is this:
When sex disappears, can you get it back?
Yes, but it will take some focused effort. But hey, you’re good at that, you’re an entrepreneur, remember?
The two fastest ways to get back to having sex are to significantly increase the amount of appreciation you show and express to your partner each day. And to spend time in activities which bring you physiologically in sync- including talking about hopes and dreams for the future, non-sexual touching, and other ways of demonstrating affection and care that are important to your partner.
If your relationship hasn’t gone too far off track, you can see an improvement in as little as a week using these strategies. If your relationship has been declining for a while, it might take longer.
(If you want some expert help with this, check out my relationship training webinar)
This will take some work. Is it worth it?
The research shows that entrepreneurs who have strong personal relationships achieve more financially, feel happier, and live longer. This is the key reason to repair your relationship when you’re not having sex anymore. You’ll have more of what you want if you do.